blog zone 
welcome to my blog! i put a lot of my more personal thoughts in here. thats about it.
5/3/2022 - lazy day
mood: ...sleepy. refreshed though. just took a shower.
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have been kind of zonked today in terms of doing things and mostly have been watching zelda speedrun vods, but i have been thinking a little bit about things... mostly in terms of future prospects.
my 19th birthday's coming up soon (the 10th) but honestly... ive been a bit "meh" about my birthdays for a while. it's not like ive not been looking forward to it but i dunno. maybe it's the pandemic time fuckery getting to me but i do not Feel like i'm turning 19 like. at all. also i just can't really think of any one physical object i really Want for my birthday other than maybe a few viddy games and like. a for sure schedule for my mom teaching me how to drive. maybe a cheap dumbbell set but thats just bc i want to get strong enough to carry my girlfriend and maybe work a butchery job (<--- new special interest i have no idea how i picked up)
that being said. in theory i could also make money for driving lessons and all that by doing commissions. stella's been poking me about it for a bit and i DO want to try and start them up soon but i've been dragging my feet a bunch on actually... doing anything about them... also stella if you're reading this i am making myself finally sit down and writing out my gameplan for that that one website u sent me about it has been a huge help thank yuo <3
(also unrelated figured out how to make heart emoticons yahoo yippeeeee <3 <3 <3)
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have been kind of zonked today in terms of doing things and mostly have been watching zelda speedrun vods, but i have been thinking a little bit about things... mostly in terms of future prospects.
my 19th birthday's coming up soon (the 10th) but honestly... ive been a bit "meh" about my birthdays for a while. it's not like ive not been looking forward to it but i dunno. maybe it's the pandemic time fuckery getting to me but i do not Feel like i'm turning 19 like. at all. also i just can't really think of any one physical object i really Want for my birthday other than maybe a few viddy games and like. a for sure schedule for my mom teaching me how to drive. maybe a cheap dumbbell set but thats just bc i want to get strong enough to carry my girlfriend and maybe work a butchery job (<--- new special interest i have no idea how i picked up)
that being said. in theory i could also make money for driving lessons and all that by doing commissions. stella's been poking me about it for a bit and i DO want to try and start them up soon but i've been dragging my feet a bunch on actually... doing anything about them... also stella if you're reading this i am making myself finally sit down and writing out my gameplan for that that one website u sent me about it has been a huge help thank yuo <3
(also unrelated figured out how to make heart emoticons yahoo yippeeeee <3 <3 <3)
4/17/2022 - well. it's easter
mood: killing and biting and hate and anger
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when i was thinking of this blog thing, i wasnt thinking about starting it off on such a sour note but well. that is definitely the case today. morning was kind of a blur other getting handed my bag of easter candy to drag back to my room to nibble on but after that. immediate downwards spiral. bluhhhhh.
tldr: family is weird. and sometimes. not great! angry rambling about my shitty dad and his republican family ahoy.tldr: family is weird. and sometimes. not great! angry rambling about my shitty dad and his republican family ahoy.
in any case. other than that, ive been kind of just. vegetating today. having porkchops for dinner so that is yummy at least. reminds me that i should probably get my recipe book page started i want to share my cooking with the world... even if a lot of it is just. simple shit i threw together that tasted good. that is if i don't get distracted fixating on wanting to make an addon mod for farmer's delight (minecraft mod) first. whoops. also finished watching petscop a while back and i can feel the brainworms pulling me in ANOTHER direction there too. balancing interests is hard...
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when i was thinking of this blog thing, i wasnt thinking about starting it off on such a sour note but well. that is definitely the case today. morning was kind of a blur other getting handed my bag of easter candy to drag back to my room to nibble on but after that. immediate downwards spiral. bluhhhhh.
tldr: family is weird. and sometimes. not great! angry rambling about my shitty dad and his republican family ahoy.tldr: family is weird. and sometimes. not great! angry rambling about my shitty dad and his republican family ahoy.
its generally a pretty regular occurance for dad to just. get angry and storm off to go on a drive or whatever, but apparently my little sister telling him not to turn on fox news was over the line this time because he went on some huge pissbaby tirade about how everyone in this house thinks he's an asshole for his beliefs before threatening to leave entirely and then storming off for a grand total of... one hour. he's probably never going to see this blog, so i feel safe saying that honestly? considering how he keeps doing this and how much it hurts everyone involved? i wish he'd just follow through already.
obviously i'm not going to go into detail about the whole backstory of why i dont like my republican dad (you can probably guess part of why considering. current events) but. it's definitely a uniquely... weird feeling hating a family member you live with. obviously blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb and all that i don't HAVE to want him as family but like. considering my family situation of everyone else being so, so intensely conflict-averse that they just immediately crumble when he gets angry i think we're all kind of. stuck with him. not the most fun situation.
i will not go any more into it right now because its making me feel more angry at him but. yeah. in terms of how the rest of my easter's been going. its been. eh. not great. got our monthly call from grandma for easter. i still feel weird talking to her since i came out as lesbian considering shes the same brand of republican with an extra side of the specific brand of christianity that goes with it. i dont think she really knows what to do with that still considering the last time i talked with her about it i was 16 and she was trying to get me to consider men but. oh well.
on that same call like as soon as dad got the phone he outed me to my half-uncle and tripped over himself trying and failing to use the right pronouns for me. but only while i was looking. i think (i hope) said uncle's cool with me being nonbinary and not planning on outing me to anyone else, but thats... out of my control now. gave me a fuckin heart attack.
obviously i'm not going to go into detail about the whole backstory of why i dont like my republican dad (you can probably guess part of why considering. current events) but. it's definitely a uniquely... weird feeling hating a family member you live with. obviously blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb and all that i don't HAVE to want him as family but like. considering my family situation of everyone else being so, so intensely conflict-averse that they just immediately crumble when he gets angry i think we're all kind of. stuck with him. not the most fun situation.
i will not go any more into it right now because its making me feel more angry at him but. yeah. in terms of how the rest of my easter's been going. its been. eh. not great. got our monthly call from grandma for easter. i still feel weird talking to her since i came out as lesbian considering shes the same brand of republican with an extra side of the specific brand of christianity that goes with it. i dont think she really knows what to do with that still considering the last time i talked with her about it i was 16 and she was trying to get me to consider men but. oh well.
on that same call like as soon as dad got the phone he outed me to my half-uncle and tripped over himself trying and failing to use the right pronouns for me. but only while i was looking. i think (i hope) said uncle's cool with me being nonbinary and not planning on outing me to anyone else, but thats... out of my control now. gave me a fuckin heart attack.
in any case. other than that, ive been kind of just. vegetating today. having porkchops for dinner so that is yummy at least. reminds me that i should probably get my recipe book page started i want to share my cooking with the world... even if a lot of it is just. simple shit i threw together that tasted good. that is if i don't get distracted fixating on wanting to make an addon mod for farmer's delight (minecraft mod) first. whoops. also finished watching petscop a while back and i can feel the brainworms pulling me in ANOTHER direction there too. balancing interests is hard...